Today I feel.... well grateful.  I usually wake up with my sweet husband at 5am when he is getting ready for work and take my medicines. Today I didn't wake up until 6am which by that time my pain was not in check.  It's not good when my mornings start like that.  Not good at all.  On top of the pain of RSD I am currently passing a decent size kidney stone.  Hmmmmm.  I have had several seizures as in a ton over the last week.  I had 9 in a 24 hour last Friday, and have had continous seizures since.  On a positive note all of these seizures have (what Jeremy and I suspect) caused my muscles to be used more and for the last several days have not required a walker or wheelchair which has been amazing.  Today I am thankful for my two oldest sons.  The other day I was alone and received a phone call from the middle school clinic telling me I needed to come get Payton (of course I cannot drive) so I called my mom and she brought him home to me.  Within minutes of him getting home I had a pretty violent seizure.  I was so grateful he was here as I would not have been able to get my necessary medicines.  I found out that Payton was just sitting in his class when he felt the Holy Ghost and it was a strong impression to come home to be with me.  He listened and I am grateful.  This morning my Jacob was helping me a lot even though he technically wasn't my assigned helper today, but I had a strong impression to ask him would he mind staying home from school even though today is the last day before Thanksgiving break and they would be doing fun things at school.  He said yes mama I would love to.  I started to cry and he said why are you crying?  We both chose this.  I chose this- to come and help you, and you chose me before we even came to this earth we knew what we would be doing here.  You would be sick, and we would be taking care of you.  We are happy to do this mama.  Don't cry.  Be happy.  Well 30 minutes later I had a seizure.  Jacob took perfect care of me during it and also said a sweet tender prayer.  I am so thankful for my sweet beautiful children.

Because I live daily with this extremely rare Neurological disease I feel inclined to recognize that November is National RSD Awareness month. It is known as the "suicide disease" Many people end their lives because of the pain that constantly rages on and truly rarely ceases. I live daily with seizures along with chronic, crippling, debilitating pain, BUT I am grateful. Sure I have AWFUL days where I want to be freed from RSD, but I have developed a greater understanding of who I am, and why I am here on this earth. I am so blessed to be sealed to an amazingly supportive eternal companion. More than ever I feel grateful to have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful to know that my family can be eternal no matter what this life throws at us. We are all given our own set of trials, and I constantly stand in AWE at the way so many of you have had sore trials and handled them with amazing faith. I feel so thankful for the miracles I have seen because of this illness. There have been many. I am overwhelmed with the love, kindness, compassion, and prayers that have been poured out on myself and my family. This illness is a blessing even though everyday it is a trial. So without anymore gushing here is a pretty comprehensive take on what RSD is. "RSD is a chronic, progressive, debilitating neurological disorder that occurs in response to an inury or illness, after which the nervous system malfunctions—causing nerves to misfire and send constant pain signals back to the brain, essentially, shutting parts of the body down.
When left undiagnosed and untreated, intractable pain and other disabling symptoms occur, including extreme sensitivity to touch, lights and sounds, severe headaches, numbness, weakness, movement disorder, paralysis, ulcerative skin lesions, seizures and softening of the bones. In its later stages, RSD can lead to internal organ dysfunction and cardiac complications. Patients may become unable to digest food, maintain stable levels of blood pressure or regulate their body temperature. RSD can ultimately ravage the entire body and its organs.
On the medically accepted McGill Pain Scale, where zero equals no pain, and fifty equals the most intense pain, RSD is ranked as a 46/50-- making it the most painful disease known to medicine!
RSD is ranked higher than pain from a bone fracture (20), cancer (24), childbirth (32) and even above amputation (38)!
Imagine if every touch cut like a knife, every breeze felt like a blow torch and even a gentle hug caused you to feel as if you were being electrocuted, if every pain medication available to you was completely ineffective?
That is what RSD feels like. And it is horrific."

I was recently diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (also known as CRPS) It is incredibly painful.  In fact it is the most painful recorded illness, accident, or disease on the Mgill Pain scale above child birth and amputation.  It's incredibly painful, and I never know what my day will bring.  I am bedridden 80% of the time and with four beautiful children this can be a serious challenge, but I felt impressed to write of the beauty I see all around me despite the pain.

Today I am actually looking forward to a day in my bed.  I usually lament the fact that I can't do all I want to accomplish, but today I am welcoming a day to rest up.  Hubbalicious and I had a fantastic date night last night.  He went to the store for some movie treats.  I showered and put fresh linens on the bed and then we snuggled up and watched a good chic flick.  My favorite.  We stayed up too late.  Fortunately my children know the morning routine and go through it like clock work.  Today that is what I am grateful for, that my children are awesome, and I am welcoming a day of rest (and maybe watching a few more romantic love stories.)

I am sitting here listening to Mosiah chapters 1-3 from the Book of Mormon on the Mormon channel on the Roku.  It is a blessing as I find it difficult to read because of the car sick feeling I deal with when trying to focus on anything written down.  I did two loads of laundry and that feels like a feat in and of itself.  I feel overwhelmed when I feel my limitations but know I am supported by my sweet husband, children, and extended family.  I have to say I have not been a very good or thoughtful friend lately as my mom say's "my headlights have been turned in"  meaning I have only been focusing on my physical pain.  I am amazed though at the tender mercies of the Lord, that allow me to even be able to get up and do a little housework.  It's funny how others lament (as I used to) over the task of being a homemaker, but that is what I was born to do, and at times ache because I physically don't have the ability.  Let me just close with my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for what I am able to do.

Not feeling so hot today.  Feeling pretty down actually.  I stayed the night at my parents with the children so my mom could help them get up, ready, and out of the door on time.  I have sat here in their comfortable home reflecting a great deal on what I am up against.  I am not even sure what this is.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to scream or punch a wall because of my frustrations.  Other times I feel a sweet peace, that everything will be okay.  I love watching my children play at their Nana and Papa's.  It brings me so much comfort to be home close by.  I was just reflecting on how it has been nearly six years since we moved home from Utah.  I missed my family so much while we were out there.

Today marks another year down, and a new beginning.  Many years ago I stopped making new years resolutions, but this year I've decided to make a few.  Beginning with I am going to go more places with my husband and children.  We are going to take more vacations.  I am going to try not to stress about the things I have no control over. I am not going to let debt enslave me.  I will pay as much as possible and then try to live a more relaxed life.  I feel so blessed to have four beautiful kids that are so sweet.  I feel so blessed to have a husband that regardless of what I ask of him he does.  I am thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father.   I love the Book Of Mormon and find answers to ALL of  life's questions in it.  I am going to go play with my children now.  Happy New Year!!