Letter to NieNie

Hey Stephanie.  My name is Jennifer Newman.  I wanted to tell you how grateful I am for your
perspective on life.  In late fall 2005 my husband and I along with our then three young children moved to Provo from our native home state,  Florida.  My husband began his degree in Recreation Therapy at BYU.  He worked 60-70 hour weeks and carried a 21 hour course load.  Life was a challenge for many reasons.  In August 2007 while pregnant with our fourth child and over 2,000 miles from home, I collapsed and woke up to Dr's telling my husband I was dying.  I had just turned 29 the week before.  I was in shock. My mom flew out along with my oldest sister who is a nurse to be with me from Florida.  I recieved a priesthood blessing (several actually) and remained in the hospital over the next seven weeks.  My mom took care of our children in our home during the entire time.  We lived on the SE side of Provo, and with only one car they decided it was best my husband spend nights at the hospital with me and walk to BYU then to work each afternoon.  During my heavily narcotic induced stay at the hospital guilt and panic regularly ensued. I delivered a healthy baby girl, but I missed several "firsts" for my other three young children.  Fast forward to March 2012. Life was so good.  My husband had graduated in 2008 and we moved back home to Florida to enjoy all of our family.  He was offered his dream job in 2009 and we moved into a home we love.  We would spend nights talking about how blessed we felt.  In March 2012 I drove down to the Orlando Temple with several girls from our ward to do a session.  That night during the session excruciating pain shot through my spine and I became numb on my entire right side of my body.  I was taken from the session and given a priesthood blessing by the temple president.  I know the priesthood is the same anywhere we are, but it was incredibly powerful being administered to in the Temple.  At that point the Temple President said to call an Ambulance.  I was two and a half hours from home and fear struck (actually my first thought was who will get the kids up and ready for school) I was in tears and devasted.  I was sick for the following nine months.  I went to the Mayo clinc sevaral times a week where I had several (as in eight specialists).  I endured many excruciating procedures. I was on a heavy medicine regime to control my symptoms including high doses of diladud to control the pain that would otherwise make my blood pressure soar and blood would ensue.
Devastation set in. The guilt I felt for my children sake's was insurmountable. I watched them learn to cook and clean and become so helpful and compassionate, but I was constantly stung with the guilt that it was my fault.  Our family grew and had AMAZING and Angelic experiences.  For that I am grateful.  I continued regaining health and strength and by that December I became mobile.  My husband and I felt so blessed that I was mobile again.  Then on October 1st this year I relapsed with all the same symptoms. To say I was devastated is a gross understatement.  This time with depression that sank deep.  I was crushed.   I held tight to every word at General Conference, but my favorite was Jeffrey R. Holland's talk.  I watched it over and over and clung to his testimony.  My husband called a meeting with our parents to create a plan for my care.  During that time my husband told me of an experience while in Brazil as a missionary where panic set in and he was given a sweet spiritual confirmation that it was his new life. I felt that I should accept the things I cannot change, and do the things I can to improve my health.  I have also been taught through prayer that there is a purpose in my suffering.  One day while seeking out good things to read and watch, I was scrolling through The Mormon Messages when I found "My New Life" interested I clicked on it and have watched it nearly daily since.  I watch it because it gives me hope and strengthens my testimony.  I then discovered your book and am on my second time reading it.  I have had incredible spiritual experiences during this situation I'm in.  I feel very grateful and reading your experiences has given me hope that I can make the most of this trial.  I have always been a very optimistic and happy individual, but at times this experience has threatened all of that.  Reading about your sore trials reminds me of who I am- I am more than my body, and am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who is keenly aware of me and each one of us.  Thank you for reminding me of that.  Hearts- Jennifer Newman